I mean... just the day before I knew exactly how I felt. I felt so sure about everything, I began to say to myself, "Yeah, this is it. This is right and its good and I know because it just feels so right."
Just the day before everything felt so perfect... so complete... and then... out of the blue-- I mean literally out of no where comes this big dark cloud. With the big dark cloud comes a little drizzle of rain, then after the little drizzle of rain comes a little lightning... then comes the big thunder and it start pouring down raining on your life like hell.
I'm the type of person who always like to be in control of everything... I mean I have to really have a grip of every situation that even remotely tries to start spiraling downward. So, I'm going, "Okay... grasps your emotions first, don't let your emotions get out of control... maintain... focus... breath."
All the while, I'm trying not to allow my thinking processes to begin the assumption mode, this is very hard to do sometimes, being that I am a very analytical thinker and I break down all situations that abruptly occur into compartments of psychological theories... I mean, I really analyze the whole scenario to try and come to some form of a very logical explanation of the matter.
But, as we all know... sometimes there are no logical explanations for certain occurrences in our lives... it just happens to be one of life's hard blows. So then, after I gained control of my thoughts in the matter, I realized I'd better just sleep on it (just let my emotions remain calm as much as possible), I'll deal with it when I wake up, I don't even want to deal with this right now.
There I was, lying in my bed... thoughts racing, heart pounding (I mean loudly too), really my heart was beating so hard and I had this horrible feeling in my emotions... I swear I just wanted it to go away.
I can't even begin to describe what it felt like, it was like my heart was being squeezed to death and it was trying to pump while it was being squeezed so tightly and the aching of it was mostly a feeling of being totally lost... like you have no idea where in the world you belong anymore.
My mind began to race... and of course, I couldn't sleep a wink. There I was tossing and turning... finally I fell asleep.
But, that morning when I awoke... I had this feeling where I couldn't even talk. I couldn't even open my mouth to eat, nor did I feel there was a reason to get out of bed. I was having those 'everybody has their day', day.
Now, when your having a 'everybody has their day' day, if you have family and have to be at work... you really have to pull this off in front of everyone like, everything is "sooo" fine and good and wonderful... just "peachy"... all smiles.
All the while, you don't feel like being bothered with no one, nor do you want to do anything for anyone, nor do you want to even talk to anyone... its like, just leave me alone... I really need to think.
How can you be having a 'everybody has their day' day and still function normally? I don't know, all I know is I felt like crap and I wanted to stay in the bed and pull the covers over my head and wake up the next day and the rain storm had ceased and it all blew over.
Yet, it was there... the mixed emotions, the lost feelings, "the I can't believe this is going down like this." All the while my kids need my attention and time... they'er asking me questions and my mind is not even there... I'm just not there... I mean, my body was there, but my mind was totally somewhere else. I could hear them talking, but I had no clue what they were saying.
I had it bad that day. All I know was, I had to snap out of it and gain control of my day. I couldn't allow my 'everybody has their day' day to take over my entire mood.
It was a struggle because I had no one to physically talk to about how I was feeling... I had to talk to God about it, which I did the nite before when I couldn't sleep... yet, I was still having a difficult day, trying to put everything into perspective, gain clear insight and upon that, make decisions of how I really need to deal with the matter.
Eventually, I pulled my thoughts together and began to think optimistically. I began to encourage myself with all the positive reasons I need to feel better that day. In that moment, I began to feel strengthened and found energy to get up and begin my day... it was late in the afternoon (good thing it was a Saturday), but I arose and began to move.
